Roots of my behavior

Live and let others live.

I have a deep love for being in nature and engaging in genuine conversations with people, just like children do - with an open heart and complete sincerity. I cherish those moments of love, whether I am giving or receiving it. I thrive on exploring new things, especially those that empower me to live a joyful life without any fears. These experiences also broaden my perspective and enable me to connect with the world around me. I find that writing down my observations in a blog helps me gain clarity and may even be beneficial to others.

 I have grown up in an environment where seeking approval from family members has been necessary in order to pursue my passions. Unfortunately, their perspectives align closely with mainstream society’s views. At one point, it was my parents who dictated what I should do, emphasizing the importance of a comfortable livelihood. Later on, it was my spouse’s influence, ensuring that our family was well-regarded by society. Throughout it all, society has had a significant impact on determining what I should do to.

In the midst of all this, my own desires and interests have been excluded. I have continued to conform to these expectations, feeling as though I have no control over the situation. This has led to a sense of victimization, as these feelings continue to build up inside me like water accumulating in a dam when the gates are closed. Dams have a mechanism to lift the gates when the water level surpasses a certain threshold, but I have yet to find a way to release these pent-up emotions within my mind.

Just as water always finds a way to leak, even when all the floodgates are closed, my repressed feelings also find a way to seep out, unknowingly affecting my behavior. I have never realized it, but these suppressed emotions are the root cause of my tendency to exhibit violent behavior, such as shouting at people. It is particularly challenging for me to accept when someone commands me to do something or restricts me from doing certain things.

This may explain why I can be a great colleague to my fellow employees, as I enjoy collaborating and working as a cohesive unit. However, from the perspective of a boss who issues commands for implementation, I struggle to be a great employee. Over time, my desire to express myself and do what I truly love has grown significantly, to the point where I can no longer resist it.

Continuing to suppress these desires would only lead to an eventual explosion, much like water bursting by breaking the flood gates that have not been lifted at the appropriate time. The consequences of this could potentially drive me to madness, as my mind cannot handle the overwhelming flood of long-suppressed emotions all at once. Whenever I encounter individuals who appear to be mentally unstable on the streets, I wonder if their state is a result of years of suppressed emotions beyond a breaking point.

I refuse to squander the precious gift of the human body, and I have made the decision to express myself, regardless of the consequences.

 I began asserting myself firmly, declaring, “Never tell me what I should do.” I believe that decisions about my actions should be left to me, and others should only offer their advice. Naturally, this has surprised those around me. Some are even comparing my behavior to that of a dictator. They say that I used to be very obedient, but now I have become incredibly stubborn. There are those who claim that I no longer value their words and simply follow my own decisions. However, I want to make it clear that I will never dictate what others should do, not even to children under my command. I believe in granting everyone complete freedom, while only being resolute in matters concerning my inner being. Undoubtedly, this will greatly affect those who seek to control me or expect me to conform to their opinions. I deeply value others, their opinions, and their emotions. I put sincere effort into sharing my own viewpoints if asked. I even display immense respect for the smallest of creatures, like waiting for an ant to pass when playing on a shuttle court.

Conflict only arises when others expect me to behave according to their notions, without granting me the freedom to choose for myself. I cannot tolerate people who don’t appreciate others’ work and only think from their own perspective with no respect for others’ nature or interests in life.

It is an uphill task to find an individual who speaks out of heart with sincerity, free from judgment, and even if I find such a person, I must wage a war to carve out time (and other hurdles) to spend with them. As my heart intensifies the search for this elusive individual and my efforts prove fruitless in the physical world, I have resorted to creating an imaginary companion within me, with whom I engage in heartfelt conversations to soothe my soul. Some may perceive this as madness, but it brings me comfort. With the passage of time, this inner presence grows stronger, pulling me away from the burdens of the tangible world. It imparts wisdom to me, inspiring the words I write in my blog. It emanates sometimes from within me, sometimes channeled through others. Every concept I have ever shared in my blog, every logical reasoning (especially nowadays and may be before also but without my awareness) I employ as a software engineer, originates from this source. It has become my beloved partner in life.

Like Krishna being pulled by Yashoda on one side and Devika on the other, I too am being drawn into this inner realm on one side, while the physical world tugs at me from the other. I am excited to see twists and turns that would happen going forward paving the way to the day, where I find solace in harmoniously coexisting with both realms, just as Krishna found peace with both his mothers. This happens as it is my choice and the universe have no option than bending its way for me to manifest that day.

Though I am aware that we should remain open to the unfolding moments rather than expecting specific outcomes in the physical world, I cannot explain why these profound feelings consume me. Nonetheless, I know that the answers will reveal themselves in due time.

Relevant quotes:

“Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

― Franz Kafka

"I am determined to pursue my passions, unwavering and unstoppable. Nothing can hinder me. Even if someone were to lock my physical body, I possess the ability to transcend it and find another physical body to continue doing what I love."

― Vijay Chekuri

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

― Andre Gide, Autumn Leaves

Franz Kafka